I've Come to Grips with being Perfectly Imperfect

I'm a grown up now. And I don't measure my growth by my age. Hell, I would've rung the bell 18 years ago if that was the gauge, but nah. . I just reached this plateau. I'm new grown.

I've learned the lesson Momma couldn't teach, and Daddy couldn't force, and Siblings couldn't share: I'm happy just being me: perfectly imperfect.

I'm spiritual, nurturing,impatient, beautiful, smart, bossy, FUNNY, loving, honest, stubborn, transparent, caring, sarcastic, headstrong, tough as nails, forgetful, opinionated, cocky, active, adventurous, curious, extremely picky. . I could go on. But you get where I'm going. I'm a mixed bag.

And I love that about me.

• I love the fact that God sent a wordsmith to Port Arthur, TX, so people could tease me about how proper I spoke; and that I was still arrogant enough to emphasize words all the more just to spite the haters.
• I love the fact that my family was poor, so instead of playing games systems, and watching TV, getting our hair and nails "did," we played together, talked, took care of one another, and bonded.
• I love the fact that I've gone through some shit that would've ran others crazy. . but that I'm still sharp as razor blades (Yeah, that's better than nails). . and smiling.
• I love the fact that I don't look like what I've been through, so my confidence is often mistaken for vanity because a stranger could easily assume that someone somehow made life easier for me instead of the reality that I've fought, worked, and prayed for EVERYTHING I've received.
• I even love the fact that God gave eternal peace and rest to the only two people in my life I knew that I knew that I knew would love me on the days when I just couldn't figure out how to love myself. . and started me on the search for the answer to, "Well, why should anyone love me?"
• I love the fact that I have 3 kids that test me, a family that often times doesn't appreciate me, and a job that makes me want to pull my hair out on some days and work for free on others.

And it's ALL GOOD. My state of mind did not come overnight. . or over a couple of years. . or even a decade. It's taken me a lifetime to get here and to love where I am. But now I've arrived. . well, sorta. . I'm still learning, growing, morphing, but loving the ride all the while. But I'm so happy with me. As I child, I could not have asked God to build me up the way he has with the tools, limitations, hurts, or responsibilities he's given me, but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm perfectly imperfect, and that's exactly where I want to be. Happy Mothers Day to all the Mother's. Love you. And I pray that you too can love your perfectly imperfect self.

When It Stinks So Bad

Everyone who knows me knows that I have a crazy weak stomach. Pretty much every bad smell, taste, or feeling makes me have an upset stomach. It's really awful!

So, when I walked into the ladies room a minute ago, and sniffed a bothersome odor, I just should've took off running. But I had to pee SO bad, I would've had to squirm my way down a flight of stairs and by then I don't know if wetting my pants would've been worse that potential throw up. . Apparently, I decided that the pants wetting thing won because I stayed.

Anyway, as it always happens, as soon as my nose filled with stink, the nausea set in. Before I knew it, it had made its way up my throat and into my MOUTH! Uuuuuugh. . Now, I'm nauseous because of the stink and the nausea. . I covered my nose, mouth, and eyes (don't ask me why about the eyes) so that I did not inhale any more than my body could tolerate and started to wildly reach for the door. .

Made it through the first door, but still couldn't get a breath of fresh air.. Geez! This lady is sick!

Made it through the second door, and quick exhale, and deep inhale, followed by a vomit swallow (yes, disgusting), and I was ready to go back to work.

Again, I should've took off running. But I saw an innocent victim approaching the same bathroom that I just barely made it out of alive.. I had to do something.

I put my hand on the door of the bathroom, and looked her dead in the eye and said, "STOP! Do yourself a favor and go downstairs!" She was so naive, she began to question me. So I said, "I just threw up in my mouth. I wish someone would've told me."

She did an about-face, and then the unexpected happened. The bathroom door opened, and I had to look the rotted guts rodent in the face. She looked displeased, so I said, "Hey, you were in there. You know you stink."

She seemed to understand. She smiled. . and walked her stinky butt away. .

My Running Buddy

I think that may be one of the sweetest expressions of affection I've ever heard from a human being.

"When you run, I wanna run with you."

Yes, I love to run. . not just in marathons. . Many times in life in general.

From childhood, when something really upset me, I'd run. . with no particular direction. . just away. . I'd run and run and run until I literally ran out of air. Then, I'd remain wherever I ended up until I thought the stress had passed, or until I had conjured enough strength to deal with it. Sometimes I fell asleep wherever I ended up; in the yard, at my aunt's house, at the park. As a kid, it worked.

Once I became an adult, the whole running thing evolved. As a young person, my stress lead me to road trips. . usually home to Momma. She would talk to me, love on me, and Lawd - feed me, until I had the energy to return home and fight the brave fight again.

Then at some point, my running away became jogging. When I felt stress, I would jog for 5 to 10 miles until I felt better. On my really bad days, I'd run up to three times a day. I knew when I got home, the stress would be there, so I'd make myself so tired, funky, and out of it, that by the time I got home, I was gone. . into a sweet shower and slumber. But that stress is now EX stress. . and I put that kind of running behind me. The body does not respect or support that level of need for de-stressing when you're deep into your 30's (and beyond) anyway, so all of that had to go.

These days, there's still stress. Living is stressful even though it has so many rewards. I jog sometimes. I drive sometimes. And it does not have to be because of stress. It can be due to boredom, nervous energy, need for new scenery. . or whatever. . I make arrangements for the kids, and then I go. . to wherever my mind and my heart leads me. I'm always alone. That's the part I've always loved the most about running. I'm out there in my own world. . free to just be me. . with no one judging, complaining, pulling, pushing, demanding, trying to capture or trap me.

About a year ago, I ran smack into someone just like me. . I hit him so hard, the sheer impact knocked me off of my feet. . I didn't even apologize. . I stood up, brushed myself off, and continued running. But this time, there was someone there who ran with me. .

And now, he wants us to run away together. . Let's just see if he can keep up.

My Bucket List - Places I Want to Go, Things I Want to Do

Best Friend challenged me to come up with a Bucket List of all the places and things I want to experience. . with the Best Friend. Well, I started small, and realized that life is too damn short to limit yourself. Besides, I'm blessed enough to know that if I desire it, there's a pretty fair chance it's going to happen. So, this is just the beginning of my Bucket List. List of Places

• Queen Wilhelmina State Park (Arkansas)- I developed the website, and fell in love with the photography of all the great views
• Gulf Shores, AL – Grew up at the beach, and want to return!
• Dallas, TX – I'm not even going to say what I'm looking forward to here. . but it's NOT just shopping!
• Jamaica - I'll even let my hair grow so I can get it braided before I go.
• Las Vegas - I love slots and lights, and am a big time People Watcher. I was born to visit Vegas!
• Disney World - I've got to share this with my kids. I know it's not an cost-effecient vacation, but Hey!
• Niagara Falls - Again, I fell in love with the photography and video I've seen.
• Grand Canyon - I want to see the BIG HOLE! lol
• San Antonio Riverwalk - San Antonio had a wonderful destination marketing campaign in 2008, that has stuck with me.
• Hawaii!! - I want to get my big butt into a little bikini and wear a lei. Yes, that will be me!
• Atlantic City, New Jersey - Give me some BIG excitement. Bring it!

List of Things

• Test drive random luxury cars – kinda like visiting the boat dealership in Hot Springs. That was fun!
• Hiking, Fishing, Canoeing - I hate to camp outdoors, but here I am. . wanting to try it.
• Sailing – We’ve seen a boat.. let’s hop on!
• Golf
• Tennis
• Club Discovery – We have to go to a gay bar! C’Mon, Best Friend!
• Listen to some Jazz
• Baseball Game
  
• Scary Movie – I hate them, but I’ll try it with you
  
• Manicure/Pedicure/Massage
  
• Garvan Woodland Gardens (near Hot Springs)
  
• Casino - covered this one in my List of Places, but just in case you missed it.


• Jump out of an airplane - with a parachute


• FULL Marathon - The whole 26.2 miles


• Learn to speak French


• Learn to salsa dance


• Write a book


• Learn to play chess


• Get my PhD or Law Degree


• Port Arthur, TX – I want you see where I’m from. That’s actually really important to me.

The Most Difficult Conversation with a 10 year old: Why Daddy had to leave

Three years ago I made the decision to let go of the man I had spent 14 years building a life with. It was a decision I made over the course of two years; battling with myself and those close to me who saw the destruction the relationship was creating in my life and in my spirit. It was really awful in the end. But it's over, and I'm happier.

But my children are not.

In fact, for 3 years, my 10 year old son has been unhappy, frustrated, violent, ill-mannered. I have gone through bouts of worrying and praying, that still have not ended.

But on Monday, I made some gains.

I dropped Jordan off at basedball practice at 6pm. He struggled with his huge bag of bats, balls, gloves, and stuff. But insisted on getting to the field with all his stuff all by himself. Ok, that's usual.

At 6:30pm, Jordan called and said he was ready to be picked up from practice. . Hmmmmmmmmmm. short practice, but OK.

I picked Jordan up, but noticed that the other kids and coaches were still on the field, so I asked Jordan what the deal was. He started to cry and told me that the coach made him sit in the dugout because his attitude was bad. {This is a very familiar and long story.} I started to just nod my head and drive off, but couldn't resist digging deeper. I pulled my car into the nearest parking lot and started tallking to Jordan about what happened, and ended up insisting that he go back to the coach and give him a heartfelt apology.

Well, when you're young, and hot-headed, that's pretty much the last thing you wanna do. But I stood my ground, and I made him do it. Then, he returned to the car, stone faced and stared out the window.

I'm desperate to figure out how to get through my son, so I started asking him questions: "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Are you sad?" Yes. "Did someone hurt you?" No. "You know you can talk to me, right?" Yes. "Did someone touch you." No. "Do you need more attention?" No. "You know I love you right?" No.

OK. This is madness. I was determined to get to the root of why my sweet boy was so sad and mean right now.

I drove the remaining 1.5 minute to the house in silence. But as soon as we arrived at the house, I told Jordan to come to my room and closed the door. I sat him on the bed, forced him to look me in the eye, and asked him the question I've avoided asking for three years. "Are you sad that your Daddy is not here?"

And then it happened. He cracked. He started crying. . softy at first. . then he started to moan. . and rolled up inyp the fetal position on the floor. . moaning. . as if I had kicked him in the gut really hard.

I melted to the floor beside Jordan, picked him up in my arms, stroked his hair, held him close to me, and we cried. . for about 30 minutes. . We both cried. . Once he stopped moaning and starting sobbing, and I had caught my breath enough to complete a sentence, I asked my 10 year old if I could talk to him like a big boy.

When he agreed, I told him the best way I knew how that me and his dad were really sad when we were together. He was a good boy, and had nothing to do with our decision to part ways. And that we were sad that we couldn't make things work just for him, because we loved him SO much, but we couldn't. And that sometimes, I'm sad that his dad is not there, too.

That discussion took so much out of me. It was so hard to hear in my child's voice the pain our decision had caused him. This was the opposite of what I wanted to accomplish by the split. I hoped and prayed that we split in time to protect our kids from the hurt, sadness, and meanness that we were wrapped up in at the end. But it appears that I failed.

After I gave Jordan the big boy talk, I asked him if it would be OK if he, me and his Dad sat down this week and talked through what we could do to make his life better. And he smiled. He smiled! This child who had not really smiled from ANYTHING I had said for 3 years, looked at me with tears in his eyes and the most genuine smile I had ever seen. . Again, I cried because in that smile I felt joy.

I called The Ex, and I told him about my convo with Jordan, and he's a good Dad, so he said all the right things. I'm going to continue to pray - I'll never stop. And now I already feel like God has started changing things for the best. I feel like I've gotten my son back.

Jordan didn't just smile when I told him about the Big Boy talk we would have with his dad, he's been smiling ever since. He's 10. I know he will not hold on to this smile for much longer. But God got me through the most difficult conversation you can have with a 10 year old boy: why daddy had to leave, and I know he won't fail me now.

Thank you Jesus!

Just Wow! What did I do to deserve this child?

The last time I blogged I was in so much pain. . I did not know another way to lay down my cross than to blog, pray, cry, wake up, and continue on with my day.

It was so painful, I hadn't even been able to return to my own blog for fear I would see the post. But I've been inspired by the most beautiful essay I've ever read. This essay is the result of an assignment my teenage daughter was working on. She used my work computer to type it, so I found it as I was shutting down for the day, saved in a folder that I never use.

I read it and cried because I was so touched. I thought I would share it to give hope to other parents raising children, who aren't sure whether their child knows how hard they're working to do right by them. . Here goes:

The Strength of My Mother
Never have I claimed to be a perfect daughter, because God certainly didn’t make me that way, but I haven’t always strived to be either. I wake up every day asking “How has my mother had so much patience with raising me as a single mother over these years?” My mother is defined by me as my heart. I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for her. Unfortunately, I know I haven’t been easy to raise. I’ve watched her cry, scream, and hurt because of me, and I live with the fact that I can never take any of that back.
My mother’s name is Anasthia Johnson. She became a single mother at the age of barely eighteen. She moved to Arkansas from where she was originally from, Texas, fear of my father finding out a bad decision she’d made while he was in prison when I was only one. With intensions on starting a better life for me, she’d planned on going to the Air Force, but soon changed her mind once she realized how long she would be away from me for basic training. She worked at McDonalds, Sam’s, and other hourly jobs years before enrolling into college and earning two degrees. My mother did her best to spoil me throughout my life, before and after she earned her degrees and career.

Johnson 2
My mother has obviously always been hard-working and dedicated. She has the same worth ethic when it comes to raising her children. Before I entered into this world, she promised me she would never give up on me, and still she hasn’t. I’ve literally given her hell, and she still sticks by my side, and supports me-flaws and all. My mother has always seen what I can become. She’s always loved me for me, even when I didn’t love myself. She’s pushed me to be the greatest I can be in every aspect. I haven’t always understood the punishments she’s bestowed upon me, but they always have a positive outcome because she understands me and knows what’s best.
I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, just in the past three years, I don’t blame my mother is she disowned me today, but I know that she loves me enough to never leave me. She’s has taken and hidden so much pain from me, and I have caused so much pain to her, it makes me ashamed. I hate to her cry, but I’ve been the cause of her crying repeatedly. The first time I hurt her, I was caught with a boy in the house. I took me over a year to understand why she was “tripping” so much over it, but I came to understand that I had brought a stranger, to her comfort area, the place where she pays bills, and controls every aspect of living. It took months, years for her to forgive me, but still she did.
My mother is the most passionate woman I know. She loved me so deeply, when she tells me, my heart melts, because I know she means it and shows it every day. I know one of us will have to let each other go when God calls us home, so I hope it’ll be me letting her go because I would hate for her to be on this earth without her seed. No more will she shed a tear from my ignorance. “Mother, you’re everything love can give to a child.”- Erica Johnson

The Story With No Ending (Yet)

I don't know why my spirit chose tonight as the night that I would have to record this story, but it did. I went to bed at 10 pm, but could not get rest. I've tossed and turned, and tried to get some rest, but I can't. Here it is 3:30 am, and I'm giving in to the direction of the spirit. For those that may be hurt by this story, my apologies. Here goes.

There once was a little girl named.. hmm. . Anna that lived in a home with a mother (Eliza), step-father (James), and 5 siblings that she loved. Life was not perfect, a life of poverty never is, but there was a lot of love, and the girl lived a happy life.. for a while. .

Then, one day, when Anna was very young - maybe 7 or 8, life got really "scary." It started, when she watched a scary vampire movie with her parents and siblings, fell asleep and had terrible dreams. Anna dreamed of people trying to hurt her. The dreams were so bad, she eventually got out of bed and went into her parents room to find comfort. She did. Eliza was sleepy, but James woke up to care for the girl and made her feel safe. By the end of the night, James had really hurt Anna, but he blamed it all on the monsters. He promised that if the girl loved him, he would keep the monsters on TV away.

The vampire movie that scared Anna became made for TV Series (Go figure!). And Anna's family loved it so much they watched it every week. So, Anna stopped trying to enjoy the movies with her family. That particular movie brought Anna a wealth of pain that as a child she could not even understand. So, when it came on, Anna would go play with her toys instead. But she could still hear the terrible screams from the TV, and when the movie was over, James would tuck Anna into bed, describe the goriest of scenes and leave her with even more scary and painful thoughts to deal with when she finally went to sleep. The nightmares just wouldn't go away.

Things went on this way for a really long time. But one day, for some reason Eliza and James grew apart. Then, they lived apart. Should've been great for Anna, right? Well, no, because Anna was now stuck with her nightmares even more then the movie provided, and the only person she knew how to protect her was James (or at least that's what he said). Anna just could not work up the courage to tell anyone about the monsters that haunted her in her sleep, so she had to learn how to "buck up."

Anna bucked up, but the monsters never ever went away. Ever. Anna grew into a young woman, and decided that if the monsters would not go away, she would go away from the monsters. So, she caught the first train out of her hometown, to start anew: her and her little bundle of joy Erin.

Life got better for Anna. Her visions of the monsters got manageable. Anna met a handsome young man named Elton that was so brave, and so kind, he made the monsters almost disappear. And Elton was smart. He got Anna to trust him enough to tell him about the scariest of monsters.

It felt so good to tell someone. And Anna felt immediately better because Elton promised that he would never let the monsters hurt Anna again. Life got better for awhile. .

Then, Elton forgot his promise. Elton forgot he was one of the good guys. At some point, Elton stopped caring that he was Anna's hero, and starting being a pretty monstrous fellow himself.

But Anna couldn't run becuase she had shared this secret with Elton that she thought she'd never share, and did not want to share again. So, Anna "bucked up" again. She focused on protecting her baby Erin from monsters. She focused on protecting the new babies she had with Elton from monsters. She honed in on the idea that she could be her own hero.

And one day, somehow it happened. Anna woke up and realized that she would buck up on her own. She got rid of Elton. And I'm pretty sure she decided that the easiest way of keeping the monsters away, was to keep everyone away. And she was good at it. She got tired one time, and let a really sweet person into her life, but he wasn't committed to helping her keep the monsters out, so Anna bucked up again.

One day something downright amazing happened. Anna's sister called and told her that James had died. The source of all the monsters was gone. Anna could be happy again. But she wasn't. She was sad, really sad; maybe even moreso than she had ever been. She did not understand why because this was the type of windfall Anna had been hoping for. But She felt like she was stuck with this memory of monsters that would never go away.

Then, one night Anna woke up to this dream about monsters that left her in tears because it was not the monsters from the vampire movie: She recounted the real-life monsters that had preyed upon her. And then, Anna realized that while she was bucking up to get some relief from the monsters, she had become one herself.

She was not the James variety of monster, oh no. She was worse. Because she was a monster that focused on slaying those that are good. Anna shook the monsters, but never the hurt. She hurt so much from her memories of the monsters and the few people who broke their vows to protect her that she hurt people who wanted to help. . over and over. . over and over. . Still today, Anna does now know how to stop. .

I did say this story had no ending, right?