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No matter how far along I get in life, I'll always refer to myself as "That chick that grew up poor in the drug-filled streets of Port Arthur, Texas." Always a bad ass!

Right now, I'm going through a top-down transformation. I'm starting with my hair - taking it from processed to natural; and so far I'm loving it. Get updates on my process on newtonatural.com.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Story With No Ending (Yet)

I don't know why my spirit chose tonight as the night that I would have to record this story, but it did. I went to bed at 10 pm, but could not get rest. I've tossed and turned, and tried to get some rest, but I can't. Here it is 3:30 am, and I'm giving in to the direction of the spirit. For those that may be hurt by this story, my apologies. Here goes.

There once was a little girl named.. hmm. . Anna that lived in a home with a mother (Eliza), step-father (James), and 5 siblings that she loved. Life was not perfect, a life of poverty never is, but there was a lot of love, and the girl lived a happy life.. for a while. .

Then, one day, when Anna was very young - maybe 7 or 8, life got really "scary." It started, when she watched a scary vampire movie with her parents and siblings, fell asleep and had terrible dreams. Anna dreamed of people trying to hurt her. The dreams were so bad, she eventually got out of bed and went into her parents room to find comfort. She did. Eliza was sleepy, but James woke up to care for the girl and made her feel safe. By the end of the night, James had really hurt Anna, but he blamed it all on the monsters. He promised that if the girl loved him, he would keep the monsters on TV away.

The vampire movie that scared Anna became made for TV Series (Go figure!). And Anna's family loved it so much they watched it every week. So, Anna stopped trying to enjoy the movies with her family. That particular movie brought Anna a wealth of pain that as a child she could not even understand. So, when it came on, Anna would go play with her toys instead. But she could still hear the terrible screams from the TV, and when the movie was over, James would tuck Anna into bed, describe the goriest of scenes and leave her with even more scary and painful thoughts to deal with when she finally went to sleep. The nightmares just wouldn't go away.

Things went on this way for a really long time. But one day, for some reason Eliza and James grew apart. Then, they lived apart. Should've been great for Anna, right? Well, no, because Anna was now stuck with her nightmares even more then the movie provided, and the only person she knew how to protect her was James (or at least that's what he said). Anna just could not work up the courage to tell anyone about the monsters that haunted her in her sleep, so she had to learn how to "buck up."

Anna bucked up, but the monsters never ever went away. Ever. Anna grew into a young woman, and decided that if the monsters would not go away, she would go away from the monsters. So, she caught the first train out of her hometown, to start anew: her and her little bundle of joy Erin.

Life got better for Anna. Her visions of the monsters got manageable. Anna met a handsome young man named Elton that was so brave, and so kind, he made the monsters almost disappear. And Elton was smart. He got Anna to trust him enough to tell him about the scariest of monsters.

It felt so good to tell someone. And Anna felt immediately better because Elton promised that he would never let the monsters hurt Anna again. Life got better for awhile. .

Then, Elton forgot his promise. Elton forgot he was one of the good guys. At some point, Elton stopped caring that he was Anna's hero, and starting being a pretty monstrous fellow himself.

But Anna couldn't run becuase she had shared this secret with Elton that she thought she'd never share, and did not want to share again. So, Anna "bucked up" again. She focused on protecting her baby Erin from monsters. She focused on protecting the new babies she had with Elton from monsters. She honed in on the idea that she could be her own hero.

And one day, somehow it happened. Anna woke up and realized that she would buck up on her own. She got rid of Elton. And I'm pretty sure she decided that the easiest way of keeping the monsters away, was to keep everyone away. And she was good at it. She got tired one time, and let a really sweet person into her life, but he wasn't committed to helping her keep the monsters out, so Anna bucked up again.

One day something downright amazing happened. Anna's sister called and told her that James had died. The source of all the monsters was gone. Anna could be happy again. But she wasn't. She was sad, really sad; maybe even moreso than she had ever been. She did not understand why because this was the type of windfall Anna had been hoping for. But She felt like she was stuck with this memory of monsters that would never go away.

Then, one night Anna woke up to this dream about monsters that left her in tears because it was not the monsters from the vampire movie: She recounted the real-life monsters that had preyed upon her. And then, Anna realized that while she was bucking up to get some relief from the monsters, she had become one herself.

She was not the James variety of monster, oh no. She was worse. Because she was a monster that focused on slaying those that are good. Anna shook the monsters, but never the hurt. She hurt so much from her memories of the monsters and the few people who broke their vows to protect her that she hurt people who wanted to help. . over and over. . over and over. . Still today, Anna does now know how to stop. .

I did say this story had no ending, right?

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