On My Own Island

I heard myself admit to something that I thought I had forever trapped in my subconscious, and it scared me.

Fred and I were sitting in my driveway on Saturday evening, just enjoying the weather and waiting for the sun go down. There was not a lot of talking going on, and I'm not sure how we even got on this subject. But I heard myself say, "I'm at a place where I've isolated myself from my family and friends because I've lost SO much that I want to do what I can to avoid that level of loss again. And I don't want to let anyone else in my inner circle because I'm afraid that I'm going to lose them too. I hold my kids close, but that's it."

Wow! That scared the crap of me.

I occasionally feel alone. Let me be honest, a lot more than occasionally. I don't have a friend I can just call up and ask to come over for dinner. If I want to have a get-together, I really have to think about who I'm willing to invite over to my home. There's no friend list on my mind.

I have no friends in Arkansas. I have a bunch of associates.

When people ask me if I have family here, I usually say no. Sad. Sad.

I have a sister, nieces, nephew, uncles, cousins, great-nieces; they all live within about 20 miles of my home. But I make no attempt at visiting.

I know what the problem is: I've built an island just for myself and my children. I just don't know how to create a bridge.

Why Make Momma Proud?

I'm in a weird place. Questioning a lot of things that I've done. . a lot of things I've learned. . I can't seem to find comfort.

It occurred to me, out of the blue, that just lately, I've completely changed the way I parent to shift the focus from what I desire of my children to what they desire of themselves. At first, I began to morph into this parenting style as I tried to motivate my teenager to excel by reminding her that some of her choices in life were making me really unhappy. Wasn't working.. at all.

I mean, honestly, teenagers don't give a damn about what makes their parents happy. They are, and should be, totally self-involved and self-centered. If it does not totally serve their purpose, scheme, or grand idea of life and their participation in it, they ain't going for it.

So, I've stopped the disapproving glares, remarks, and outward frustration when my daughter heads down the wrong path. Instead, I delve into where the behavior she's exhibiting will get her.

"So, you skipped school. And now your grades are suffering. Hmmmmm, you know you can't get enough financial aid to attend college with bad grades, right? Since I've already told you I'm not footing the entire bill. What are you going to do?"

If she continues to skip school, at 17, I think she'll become hook to the cause and effect relationship when she finds herself sitting around the house with me when the other kids have gone off to college.

But my Teenager Issues did not inspire my change in parenting style. It only gave me a vehicle for displaying the change I'd already been going through for some time.

Before I figured out how to apply this thinking with Erica, I realized that for a long time the only reason I was making decisions in my life was becuase I knew it would make my parents happy. I'm at a place where I find it hard to motivate myself anymore to do or even strive to do those things anymore: get married, stay in touch with other family members, attend church. These are the majors.

Lizzie and Joe are GONE! GONE! GONE! They are in heaven with Christ. I just cannot convince myself that they still care about these things.

So, I am living a life that I know would not be pleasing to them, but it suits me just fine because I have noone to answer to but God. And if I'm not sinning, I think he's OK with what I'm doing, too. . I guess.