Why Make Momma Proud?

I'm in a weird place. Questioning a lot of things that I've done. . a lot of things I've learned. . I can't seem to find comfort.

It occurred to me, out of the blue, that just lately, I've completely changed the way I parent to shift the focus from what I desire of my children to what they desire of themselves. At first, I began to morph into this parenting style as I tried to motivate my teenager to excel by reminding her that some of her choices in life were making me really unhappy. Wasn't working.. at all.

I mean, honestly, teenagers don't give a damn about what makes their parents happy. They are, and should be, totally self-involved and self-centered. If it does not totally serve their purpose, scheme, or grand idea of life and their participation in it, they ain't going for it.

So, I've stopped the disapproving glares, remarks, and outward frustration when my daughter heads down the wrong path. Instead, I delve into where the behavior she's exhibiting will get her.

"So, you skipped school. And now your grades are suffering. Hmmmmm, you know you can't get enough financial aid to attend college with bad grades, right? Since I've already told you I'm not footing the entire bill. What are you going to do?"

If she continues to skip school, at 17, I think she'll become hook to the cause and effect relationship when she finds herself sitting around the house with me when the other kids have gone off to college.

But my Teenager Issues did not inspire my change in parenting style. It only gave me a vehicle for displaying the change I'd already been going through for some time.

Before I figured out how to apply this thinking with Erica, I realized that for a long time the only reason I was making decisions in my life was becuase I knew it would make my parents happy. I'm at a place where I find it hard to motivate myself anymore to do or even strive to do those things anymore: get married, stay in touch with other family members, attend church. These are the majors.

Lizzie and Joe are GONE! GONE! GONE! They are in heaven with Christ. I just cannot convince myself that they still care about these things.

So, I am living a life that I know would not be pleasing to them, but it suits me just fine because I have noone to answer to but God. And if I'm not sinning, I think he's OK with what I'm doing, too. . I guess.

Good Grades, Bad Attitude

What do you do with the child that gets great grades but has a piss poor attitude? The child whose attitude is so jacked up, you can even justify rewarding the effort she put into earning grades. This is insane!

All week, I've been asking my daughter to see her report card. The boys received their report card on Friday of last week, so I KNEW Erica would be volunteering hers up some time soon.

I asked her Monday. Nope. I asked her Tuesday. Nope. Today, my boyfriend mentioned grades, and it occurred to me. I still have not seen this kids report card.

I asked, ", where is your report card?" She sighed, reached into her robe pocket, and handed me the piece of paper.

I asked, "Why did you not tell me you got your report card today. I've been waiting to see it. "

She looked me dead in the eye, sighed and said, "You asked me all week. I was waiting for you to ask me again today."

My response was, "Oh, OK. How about you bring me your phone and cable box, and go to bed at 9:30 for a couple of weeks? Maybe that will help you with that attitude."

I looked at her report card, and the grades are good. I just hate that I could not even celebrate her accomplishment. She took that away from me because she's just always trying to upset me. Why? Why? I love this child that looks JUST like me. . So, why the attitude?

From Teenage Mother to Parenting a Teenager - Ooooh, Scary

Occasionally, me and my Mom would get into a disagreement that would make my mom so fed up that she would force a conclusion to the discussion by saying, "Wait 'till you have your own kids. You'll see."

As a kid, I felt like just getting that statement out of her meant that I had won the argument. Whatever she was saying that I did not agree with would be heard no more because I had forced a conclusion to the discussion. . But then there's the element of Kharma.

When I was 17, my mom's warning rang in my ears when my doctor told me I was pregnant with a baby girl. It was a very fleeting moment because I was too immature at the time to even recognize the song that began to play in the background as this story began. I was elated!

After all the griping my Mom did at me to go to school, to work hard, to show her respect, to LISTEN, I would show her! I would be an awesome (teenage) mother. I would never fuss. I would give my daughter all the space she needed. I would treat her like a princess. I would be her very best friend in the whole wide world.

Now, fast forward SIXTEEN years later to today. I find myself raising a kid that looks and acts JUST LIKE ME. I'm not old enough to have forgotten what I was going through at her age, but she won't believe me when I tell her that because as far as she's concerned, I'm old. . I have no clue what's going on because I was NEVER a teenager.

• [INSERT DAUGHTER'S NAME HERE], your bedtime is 10 pm, why are you up at midnight? RESPONSE: Mommy, you probably don't get this, but young people don't get sleepy at 10 pm. That's for old people!
• [INSERT DAUGHTER'S NAME HERE], your hair is beautiful. I do not want you to die your hair black. RESPONSE: Why are you trying to control me? I'm not like everyone else, Mommy. I want to be my own person.
• [INSERT DAUGHTER'S NAME HERE], if I don't know this friend, I do not feel comfortable allowing you to go over to their house or even having them spend the night in my home. RESPONSE: Mommy, you can't know ALL my friends. I have hundreds of friends.
• [INSERT DAUGHTER'S NAME HERE], I have no problem with you traveling. Just give me time to coordinate my schedule, so I can enjoy that time with you. RESPONSE: Mom, I don't need you crowding my space every time I step out of the house. I got this!
• [INSERT DAUGHTER'S NAME HERE], I promise that you will NOT die if you do not have those new jeans. RESPONSE: Mommy, you just don't understand!

Needless to say, my Mom's prediction was absolutely true. Sh e probably could not have predicted that my turmoil would be the result of becoming a teenage parent, but damn, did she have to be so right about everything else?

God, I wish I could apologize to her now for being a huge PIA, to tell her that I know now that she did understand, and to thank her for showing me true stick-with-it-ness in taking care of a rebellious teen because ALL of that knowledge is really handy right about now. It keeps this "old" mom sane; and reminds her that at some point, even if I'm not here to see it, there's an end to this sort of grief.