Life is short and then you die. .don't be miserable in the meantime

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that we know that we know that we know that we are not supposed to be in. I mean, ALL the signs are there. But you just have a hard time reading them because they are either really sporadic, increase gradually, or there are just SO many that you just can't believe a problem and solution would be so. . well. . OBVIOUS.

Well, sometimes it's easy. And I'm gonna give you the signs that I've learned from my own life.

Here are the warning signs that you should un-choose your mate IMMEDIATELY.

1. You hate the way your partner smells: pre-bath, post-bath, during a bath, or all of the mentioned time slots.
2. When your partner kisses you, you find yourself immediately wiping the kiss off with the back of your hand, brushing your teeth, flossing, soaping your face, then showering.
3. You determine that you hate the way your partner dresses, and resolve to address the issue by avoiding being seen in public with him.
4. It makes you cringe when your partner does any of the following: calls your name, touches you, looks at you, or enters the room.
5. Your partner's sleeping and awake sounds are equally annoying.
6. You feel like answering a phone call or text from your partner should be reserved for emergencies, national holidays, or his birthday.
7. The stuff that you use to think was sweet is now just creepy: all them damn flowers, phone calls, conversations, gifts, pet names.
8. You identify a few distinct patterns that you and your partner use to interact with one another: polite, public, labored, or angry
9. The thought of being left alone with your partner causes you to avoid going home.

Now, if your signs include a black eye, swollen lip, cut tires, or a general fear of violence from this fool, please forget about looking for any additional signs. You were not born into this world to be some crazy person's punching bag. Get a damn clue and RUN!!!!

For those of you that have a strong family unit, you gonna get some push back when you try to un-choose and bail. Don't even take it personal.

Your family wants to see you settle down and live the American dream, and they truly want to believe that your current partner can help you accomplish that. They are gonna tell you "Stick it out." "Hang in there." "It's not THAT bad." "It will get better." "Nothing's perfect."

Yeah ok.

But life is short. . Real short. . And Sometimes being by yourself is the most obvious choice. . At least until God sends you what he wants you to have.

Quick Update from 1/7/13.
. . and then I exited the long, dark tunnel. . and saw that the sun was shining. Life is indeed good again.

Be careful what you pray for

I've learned (again) that God will give you what you pray for. . even if it's not what your heart truly desires. In this particular case, I don't know if He came through because he wants to reassure me that he supplies my every need OR because he wanted to teach me to Be Careful What I Pray For.

I got out of a LONG, tumultuous, really awful relationship and was feeling a little lonely. I took a little time off to figure out what I needed out of a relationship. All the while devoutly praying for God to send me The One. Eventually, God came through and answered my prayers. I met a wonderful, sweet younger man who lived in a different state.

He was a student with a master plan to get his degree, get married, and live his dream. There were sparks. Shit, there was fire.. OMG. I don't even know how to describe how I felt except to say, "Right." Everything felt like it was right.

Well, things got hard. I got scared. And I let go. I just let go.

I just could not grapple with the idea that God would've sent me what I want and then make me wait for it. Huh? I mean, why should I wait? I was ready! Right?

Well, once I "let go" (sort of), I got back to devoutly praying. I'm a good prayer, ya know. "God, send me someone who does not want to wait?" Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Here's where God taught me a lesson.

God heard. He delivered, and did not even make me wait. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Could there be a catch here?

Soooooooo, what did I get? A man that did not want to wait. . for anything. Then, I realized it. He was not close to being ready. I was not ready either.

God had already sent me what I needed. And now, he was displeased with my lack of appreciation. I prayed. God delivered. He delivered not only what I prayed for, but much much more. More for now and more for the future.

OK, God. I've learned. I can wait. I can wait. I can wait. I will wait. Because while I'm waiting, I'm going to be making changes so that I can be right for the man you have sent me.

Amen.

I'm a HORRIBLE valentine

This episode actually began more than a week before Valentine's Day, on February 5, 2010.

I received a new position at work - an amazing accomplishment - and within 30 minutes of the announcement I received a very beautiful bouquet of flowers. They were so fragrant and diverse. I have to say they were really beautiful. I was actually surprised that they were sent by The Flower Guy. Simple card: "Congratulations on your new job."

It's really weird. I met this guy one day and we chatted, but I just did not feel a connection. Apparently, he did, and has been sending me flowers pretty often since then. What's weird is that I'm not even a "flower person," although my daughter is, so when I receive them at work, I bring them home and brighten her day. I appreciate the fact that The Flower Guy continues to send flowers (for two years now) because it's one of those constant reminders that I'm not as petty as people think I am, and if they'd spend just a few moments getting to know me, they'd get it. . and save a few bucks on flowers. But oh well.

On the Friday before V-Day, one of my really good friends sent me a really beautiful Wine Country Gift Basket with a simple card, "Happy Valentine's Day." Now, this gift touched me because the guy really did not have to go all out for me. I have not even been a good friend, breaking our last 5 lunch or dinner dates due to other commitments. So, I was actually really touched that he sent me a gift because it sent the kind of message I can appreciate. "I don't expect anything" is what it said to me. So, we are having lunch today since I'm off, as I make an attempt to be a better friend. Hey. I may even pay.

Saturday before Valentine's Day, I received an even more beautiful bouquet of flowers in an amazing vase with a really thoughtful card from someone that I have just really been going through it with. I will not detail the tawdry details here. Just trust me. It's been rough.

These flowers were hand delivered with really thoughtful sentiments, but with one downside: an expectation.

Oooooooooooooouoooooh. I just cannot tell you how it burns me up when someone gives me a gift with the expectation of getting something in return! Not a gift. But my heart.

That's not how it works. If you suck on all days leading up to Valentine's Day, but go out and break the bank on Valentine's Day, that does not reduce your sucky-ness. It just does not work that way.

I was gracious. I showed gratitude. I upheld my graciousness even after he insisted that we go out even though I said I did not want to. I even maintained it later in the evening after I enjoyed a few hours of Monopoly with the kids - I kicked their butts! - and he mentioned that he was disappointed we did not go out.

I was raised to have manners. It's actually a big negative a lot of times because I find myself biting my tongue in a lot of situations when I'm completely repulsed. I hear myself saying, "It's OK" when I want to slap someone in the face.

I probably don't have to sum it up. Dude that gave the flowers on Saturday came up short. I feel bad, too, because I know he could not afford Tipton Hurst, so I'm struggling with my feelings today.

However, this is one of the cases when my drive to the kids school proved to be more helpful than usual, in that I heard a radio personality sum it up.

-- If you have been 100 up until V-Day, in a bad economy, there's really no reason for you to go all out.
-- If you got it, and you've been doing it big all year round, go head and splurge for V-Day. Maintain the consistency.
-- But if you are trying to use V-Day to make gains with someone whose not feeling you, save a few bucks. The results will only disappoint you (and her).

I had to type this out without thinking, so I may come up unappreciative. You gotta take it or leave it.

I met a guy

Since the 5th grade, when I'm approached by a boy I like I get all nervous. I start wondering, "What if he doesn't REALLY like me?", "What if he likes me today, but likes someone more tomorrow?" What if? What if? What if?

Well, I've met a guy. . a really sweet guys. . that likes me.

He's 6'3, smart, and handsome. . Hey! I'm not picky. It just worked out that way.

I read Steve Harvey's book, so I want ahead and put it on the line. I asked him questions about his relationship with his mother, his sister, his daughter, and God. I told him my priorities are God, family, education, work, and everything else, and said outright that I'm a Christian and require a Christian. [No, I'm not perfect, but I'm not ashamed of my love for God, either.] His interview went really well, I have to say.

To top it off, he was able to stick with me for 8 miles on the Big Dam bridge and has volunteered to join me in the Little Rock Marathon. . No, seriously, he did. 1 1/2 weeks and I'm still impressed.

Now, here the question everyone that's been stung asks, "What's wrong with the guy?" Can he not tell that I'm impatient, picky at times, overly linear, and pretty darn bossy?

I have not figured it all out, but I have plenty of time. . Slow and easy as we go. . I'll let you know how things go as this situation unfolds.

Here's what I won't do

I was shocked yet thoroughly entertained by a friend of mine who told me that his sister got her fiance to agree (then adhere to when they got married) to change his last name to the last name of her child's father.. He agreed to that! Ha!

I spent some time thinking about the dynamics of a relationship and the personality of these two individuals that could lead to this sort of decision, and was thinking if I could ever be so self-serving, inconsiderate and downright bossy.

Don't get me wrong. . I'm not going to pretend that I don't often find myself in one of those 3 modes. Since the moment I became single, I have to admit that I've spent most of my time thinking of myself and my children (and pretty much noone else), focusing solely on what I can do that's right for us with little consideration for former friends or new wooers, and running thangs.. What can I say, I'm in charge. .

However, this whole approach to completely control my man to the point where he's no longer considered a man to his friends, family, me, my children, and apparently, everyone that hears this crazy story. . I just can't do. . Hell, I love men.. I REALLY love men.. Did I say I love men? Sorry, a little flurry came over my spirit just thinking about it.

I want to uplift, encourage, support, and one day maybe even submit to the man that belongs to me and only me. . And if that man is so weak as to let me run over him, well that's just not for me.. This craziness, as humorous as it may seem, is one thing I will not do.

You are the EX: Here are the Ex Factor Rules

Forget dating rules. I now devoutly believe there should be Ex Factor Rules; a system of rules and guidelines that the EX must follow once he's screwed himself out of a great relationship.

Of course, I'm not an expert on establishing bylaws or legal agreements, but I am now on the list of The Unfortunate Few Who Have Somehow Earned Themselves the Ex from Hell, and I'd like to lay down a few guidelines. Of course, my particular EX has no respect for rules, which of course, is only one (of the many reasons) he is now the EX, but I figure while I'm suffering I may as well humor myself anway.

Now, if you are one of those really smart people who go into a relationship thinking, hmmmm, this person could become a really bad EX, please feel free to print off the list of Ex Factor Rules and somehow coerce your soon to be crazy EX into signing them. Good luck with that, BTW.


Ex Factor Rules:

1. You will NOT call me blocked when I've decided to stop answering your phone calls. {I'm not stupid. You just called 12 seconds ago. I know it's still you.}
2. You will NOT compliment me on the new furniture I bought after you broke into my house and stole the old stuff. {And how did you get close enough to my house to see the new furniture? Don't I have a restraining order against you anyway?}
3. You will NOT ask our mutual acquaintances to give me messages from you. {In case you did not figure it out during the 14 years we were together, dude, they HATE you! Everyone, now including me, knows you are a cheating PIA.}
4. You should NOT expect a gift on your birthday, our now defunct anniversary, or any recognized or un-recognized holiday. {I am now saving my money to do that sort of special stuff for people I actually like. . or at least, who do not make me want to choke them.}
5. You will NOT convince yourself - after learning that the 4 other women you brought into our relationship were not the one for you - that I am, oh yeah, in fact the one. {Yeah, I love Sponge Bob, but will not tempt fate with a CRABBY PATTY or anything in jeapordy of being said patty. I'll pass.}
6. You will NOT send me various YouTube songs throughout the day with various "I miss you" lyrics. {You are totally interrupting my Mary J. Blige on Pandora.. and this is not the old depressed Mary J. this is the new "Moving On" Mary J.}
7. When you are finally fortunate enough to somehow get my attention for more than the 2 seconds it takes me to realize it's you and securely lock the door to my home or car, do NOT waste your time asking me if I miss you. {Let me see, do I miss the person who took away the peace and security we built for ourselves and our children during our 14 year relationship by chasing a piece of tail. Wow! This is gonna be a hard one, but I'll go ahead and throw out a HELL no!}

Now, as with our wonderful constitution, I want to be flexible with these Ex Factor Rules, because I know this fool is going to do something that's going to make me add to the list by way of an (informal) amendment. However, getting him to adhere to this list would actually alleviate most of the ridiculous moments I find myself having every time I have to interact with this fool.

Of course, because of my ever so weak stomach, I do not have it in me to ever approach my EX with the list, so I'm hoping it will serve as the point of reference I need when I'm forced to interact with the PIA.. even if it is only referenced in my mind.

When will my knight in shining armor come long?

My facade gives people the impression that I've got everything under control. Others are so comforted by the idea that they tend to turn to me for advice, thinking that if they accept my advice, they will have a perfect life just like I do.

Well, it is pretty freakin' awesome, right?

I have a dream job. I work for a non-profit dedicating to ending hunger and poverty and caring for the earth. How cool is that?

I have 3 beautiful children; all out of the bottle-sucking, diaper soiling stage. I feel pretty good about that.

I own my own home, and a new car, and a cute dog. . and blah. . blah blah. blah blah. . Life is so freaking awesome. Right?

WRONG!!!!!!

I work, and I nurture, and I pray. . all alone. . I cook, and clean, and repair. . all alone. . I am alone after being in a 14 year relationship that I honestly thought would last forever. But no. I'm alone.

I will NOT complain. I know God's sense of humor. He'll send the smite to me, and I will wake up with one enlarged eye and one crooked leg. I get it. But if there are any more blessings waiting for me up there. . any additional grace God is planning to pour down on me. . any other special favor he wants to grant. .

If there's anything else, God, please let it be wrapped in someone 5'10 or taller, 180 lbs or smaller, employed, funny, smart, comfortable around kids, and most of all God fearing.

Amen.