You are the EX: Here are the Ex Factor Rules

Forget dating rules. I now devoutly believe there should be Ex Factor Rules; a system of rules and guidelines that the EX must follow once he's screwed himself out of a great relationship.

Of course, I'm not an expert on establishing bylaws or legal agreements, but I am now on the list of The Unfortunate Few Who Have Somehow Earned Themselves the Ex from Hell, and I'd like to lay down a few guidelines. Of course, my particular EX has no respect for rules, which of course, is only one (of the many reasons) he is now the EX, but I figure while I'm suffering I may as well humor myself anway.

Now, if you are one of those really smart people who go into a relationship thinking, hmmmm, this person could become a really bad EX, please feel free to print off the list of Ex Factor Rules and somehow coerce your soon to be crazy EX into signing them. Good luck with that, BTW.


Ex Factor Rules:

1. You will NOT call me blocked when I've decided to stop answering your phone calls. {I'm not stupid. You just called 12 seconds ago. I know it's still you.}
2. You will NOT compliment me on the new furniture I bought after you broke into my house and stole the old stuff. {And how did you get close enough to my house to see the new furniture? Don't I have a restraining order against you anyway?}
3. You will NOT ask our mutual acquaintances to give me messages from you. {In case you did not figure it out during the 14 years we were together, dude, they HATE you! Everyone, now including me, knows you are a cheating PIA.}
4. You should NOT expect a gift on your birthday, our now defunct anniversary, or any recognized or un-recognized holiday. {I am now saving my money to do that sort of special stuff for people I actually like. . or at least, who do not make me want to choke them.}
5. You will NOT convince yourself - after learning that the 4 other women you brought into our relationship were not the one for you - that I am, oh yeah, in fact the one. {Yeah, I love Sponge Bob, but will not tempt fate with a CRABBY PATTY or anything in jeapordy of being said patty. I'll pass.}
6. You will NOT send me various YouTube songs throughout the day with various "I miss you" lyrics. {You are totally interrupting my Mary J. Blige on Pandora.. and this is not the old depressed Mary J. this is the new "Moving On" Mary J.}
7. When you are finally fortunate enough to somehow get my attention for more than the 2 seconds it takes me to realize it's you and securely lock the door to my home or car, do NOT waste your time asking me if I miss you. {Let me see, do I miss the person who took away the peace and security we built for ourselves and our children during our 14 year relationship by chasing a piece of tail. Wow! This is gonna be a hard one, but I'll go ahead and throw out a HELL no!}

Now, as with our wonderful constitution, I want to be flexible with these Ex Factor Rules, because I know this fool is going to do something that's going to make me add to the list by way of an (informal) amendment. However, getting him to adhere to this list would actually alleviate most of the ridiculous moments I find myself having every time I have to interact with this fool.

Of course, because of my ever so weak stomach, I do not have it in me to ever approach my EX with the list, so I'm hoping it will serve as the point of reference I need when I'm forced to interact with the PIA.. even if it is only referenced in my mind.