This morning I questioned my own love for you

I woke up this morning thinking, "What the hell am I doing? Do I really love this person that I spend all my time with? The person that I share my life with?" So, I took a few minutes and did an audit of the way that I feel, and this is what I came up with.

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We've had sad days. We've had mad days. But since I've been with you, we haven't had a single bad day. 

Never have I had someone who has given so freely, completely, thoughtfully, and unselfishly to me and my family. 

I've never smiled so much. I've never laughed out loud so much. I've never felt so loved and accepted for being Plane Jane Tom Boy Me. 

You inspire me to want to push a little harder, to try again, and see it through. You are my Fountain of Youth. 

Since my spirit has joined with your spirit my faith in love, happiness, and goodness has been restored. And my belief in God's grace and mercy has been fully renewed and no matter what life has in store, it now stands unwavering. 

I have so much love for you I could sprinkle a small portion into several lifetimes, and still feel completely fulfilled in each one.

I know this is meant to be. I know this story is written. And I rejoice in the fact that God chose me to co-star next to you in this lifetime of love.

Yes. I love you Titus.

Life is short and then you die. .don't be miserable in the meantime

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that we know that we know that we know that we are not supposed to be in. I mean, ALL the signs are there. But you just have a hard time reading them because they are either really sporadic, increase gradually, or there are just SO many that you just can't believe a problem and solution would be so. . well. . OBVIOUS.

Well, sometimes it's easy. And I'm gonna give you the signs that I've learned from my own life.

Here are the warning signs that you should un-choose your mate IMMEDIATELY.

1. You hate the way your partner smells: pre-bath, post-bath, during a bath, or all of the mentioned time slots.
2. When your partner kisses you, you find yourself immediately wiping the kiss off with the back of your hand, brushing your teeth, flossing, soaping your face, then showering.
3. You determine that you hate the way your partner dresses, and resolve to address the issue by avoiding being seen in public with him.
4. It makes you cringe when your partner does any of the following: calls your name, touches you, looks at you, or enters the room.
5. Your partner's sleeping and awake sounds are equally annoying.
6. You feel like answering a phone call or text from your partner should be reserved for emergencies, national holidays, or his birthday.
7. The stuff that you use to think was sweet is now just creepy: all them damn flowers, phone calls, conversations, gifts, pet names.
8. You identify a few distinct patterns that you and your partner use to interact with one another: polite, public, labored, or angry
9. The thought of being left alone with your partner causes you to avoid going home.

Now, if your signs include a black eye, swollen lip, cut tires, or a general fear of violence from this fool, please forget about looking for any additional signs. You were not born into this world to be some crazy person's punching bag. Get a damn clue and RUN!!!!

For those of you that have a strong family unit, you gonna get some push back when you try to un-choose and bail. Don't even take it personal.

Your family wants to see you settle down and live the American dream, and they truly want to believe that your current partner can help you accomplish that. They are gonna tell you "Stick it out." "Hang in there." "It's not THAT bad." "It will get better." "Nothing's perfect."

Yeah ok.

But life is short. . Real short. . And Sometimes being by yourself is the most obvious choice. . At least until God sends you what he wants you to have.

Quick Update from 1/7/13.
. . and then I exited the long, dark tunnel. . and saw that the sun was shining. Life is indeed good again.

Claiming a Happy Ending for My Own Fairy Tale

My favorite part of the Cinderalla fairy tale was never Cinderalla -- with her spoiled self. It was not the handsome prince. He was a little too perfect for my taste. It was not the wicked step-mother.. Who treats their kids like that anyway? It was the BEAUTIFUL step sister, Anasthia.

The tale says that Anasthia was mean and made Cinderella do her work. But I happen to intimately know an Anasthia. Hey, I'll fess up. I AM an Anasthia.

I am beautiful. I am very caring and pleasant to be around. I am super hard-working. If anything I work in a Cinderalla fashion each day.

I'm claiming a happy ending to this story because one day I will meet my prince, fall in love, and ride into the sunset -- Or something like that -- and live happily ever after.

I met a guy

Since the 5th grade, when I'm approached by a boy I like I get all nervous. I start wondering, "What if he doesn't REALLY like me?", "What if he likes me today, but likes someone more tomorrow?" What if? What if? What if?

Well, I've met a guy. . a really sweet guys. . that likes me.

He's 6'3, smart, and handsome. . Hey! I'm not picky. It just worked out that way.

I read Steve Harvey's book, so I want ahead and put it on the line. I asked him questions about his relationship with his mother, his sister, his daughter, and God. I told him my priorities are God, family, education, work, and everything else, and said outright that I'm a Christian and require a Christian. [No, I'm not perfect, but I'm not ashamed of my love for God, either.] His interview went really well, I have to say.

To top it off, he was able to stick with me for 8 miles on the Big Dam bridge and has volunteered to join me in the Little Rock Marathon. . No, seriously, he did. 1 1/2 weeks and I'm still impressed.

Now, here the question everyone that's been stung asks, "What's wrong with the guy?" Can he not tell that I'm impatient, picky at times, overly linear, and pretty darn bossy?

I have not figured it all out, but I have plenty of time. . Slow and easy as we go. . I'll let you know how things go as this situation unfolds.

Here's what I won't do

I was shocked yet thoroughly entertained by a friend of mine who told me that his sister got her fiance to agree (then adhere to when they got married) to change his last name to the last name of her child's father.. He agreed to that! Ha!

I spent some time thinking about the dynamics of a relationship and the personality of these two individuals that could lead to this sort of decision, and was thinking if I could ever be so self-serving, inconsiderate and downright bossy.

Don't get me wrong. . I'm not going to pretend that I don't often find myself in one of those 3 modes. Since the moment I became single, I have to admit that I've spent most of my time thinking of myself and my children (and pretty much noone else), focusing solely on what I can do that's right for us with little consideration for former friends or new wooers, and running thangs.. What can I say, I'm in charge. .

However, this whole approach to completely control my man to the point where he's no longer considered a man to his friends, family, me, my children, and apparently, everyone that hears this crazy story. . I just can't do. . Hell, I love men.. I REALLY love men.. Did I say I love men? Sorry, a little flurry came over my spirit just thinking about it.

I want to uplift, encourage, support, and one day maybe even submit to the man that belongs to me and only me. . And if that man is so weak as to let me run over him, well that's just not for me.. This craziness, as humorous as it may seem, is one thing I will not do.

You are the EX: Here are the Ex Factor Rules

Forget dating rules. I now devoutly believe there should be Ex Factor Rules; a system of rules and guidelines that the EX must follow once he's screwed himself out of a great relationship.

Of course, I'm not an expert on establishing bylaws or legal agreements, but I am now on the list of The Unfortunate Few Who Have Somehow Earned Themselves the Ex from Hell, and I'd like to lay down a few guidelines. Of course, my particular EX has no respect for rules, which of course, is only one (of the many reasons) he is now the EX, but I figure while I'm suffering I may as well humor myself anway.

Now, if you are one of those really smart people who go into a relationship thinking, hmmmm, this person could become a really bad EX, please feel free to print off the list of Ex Factor Rules and somehow coerce your soon to be crazy EX into signing them. Good luck with that, BTW.


Ex Factor Rules:

1. You will NOT call me blocked when I've decided to stop answering your phone calls. {I'm not stupid. You just called 12 seconds ago. I know it's still you.}
2. You will NOT compliment me on the new furniture I bought after you broke into my house and stole the old stuff. {And how did you get close enough to my house to see the new furniture? Don't I have a restraining order against you anyway?}
3. You will NOT ask our mutual acquaintances to give me messages from you. {In case you did not figure it out during the 14 years we were together, dude, they HATE you! Everyone, now including me, knows you are a cheating PIA.}
4. You should NOT expect a gift on your birthday, our now defunct anniversary, or any recognized or un-recognized holiday. {I am now saving my money to do that sort of special stuff for people I actually like. . or at least, who do not make me want to choke them.}
5. You will NOT convince yourself - after learning that the 4 other women you brought into our relationship were not the one for you - that I am, oh yeah, in fact the one. {Yeah, I love Sponge Bob, but will not tempt fate with a CRABBY PATTY or anything in jeapordy of being said patty. I'll pass.}
6. You will NOT send me various YouTube songs throughout the day with various "I miss you" lyrics. {You are totally interrupting my Mary J. Blige on Pandora.. and this is not the old depressed Mary J. this is the new "Moving On" Mary J.}
7. When you are finally fortunate enough to somehow get my attention for more than the 2 seconds it takes me to realize it's you and securely lock the door to my home or car, do NOT waste your time asking me if I miss you. {Let me see, do I miss the person who took away the peace and security we built for ourselves and our children during our 14 year relationship by chasing a piece of tail. Wow! This is gonna be a hard one, but I'll go ahead and throw out a HELL no!}

Now, as with our wonderful constitution, I want to be flexible with these Ex Factor Rules, because I know this fool is going to do something that's going to make me add to the list by way of an (informal) amendment. However, getting him to adhere to this list would actually alleviate most of the ridiculous moments I find myself having every time I have to interact with this fool.

Of course, because of my ever so weak stomach, I do not have it in me to ever approach my EX with the list, so I'm hoping it will serve as the point of reference I need when I'm forced to interact with the PIA.. even if it is only referenced in my mind.

When will my knight in shining armor come long?

My facade gives people the impression that I've got everything under control. Others are so comforted by the idea that they tend to turn to me for advice, thinking that if they accept my advice, they will have a perfect life just like I do.

Well, it is pretty freakin' awesome, right?

I have a dream job. I work for a non-profit dedicating to ending hunger and poverty and caring for the earth. How cool is that?

I have 3 beautiful children; all out of the bottle-sucking, diaper soiling stage. I feel pretty good about that.

I own my own home, and a new car, and a cute dog. . and blah. . blah blah. blah blah. . Life is so freaking awesome. Right?

WRONG!!!!!!

I work, and I nurture, and I pray. . all alone. . I cook, and clean, and repair. . all alone. . I am alone after being in a 14 year relationship that I honestly thought would last forever. But no. I'm alone.

I will NOT complain. I know God's sense of humor. He'll send the smite to me, and I will wake up with one enlarged eye and one crooked leg. I get it. But if there are any more blessings waiting for me up there. . any additional grace God is planning to pour down on me. . any other special favor he wants to grant. .

If there's anything else, God, please let it be wrapped in someone 5'10 or taller, 180 lbs or smaller, employed, funny, smart, comfortable around kids, and most of all God fearing.

Amen.