Paris, the Escape Artist: Dumb Dog don't do that!

I am so sick of this damn dog, but I think I've got him this time.

I've spent about 15 hours in the heat over the last month repairing the gate on my side yard because my 9 year old RAT terrier, Paris, keeps squeezing his little butt through the fence and terrorizing my neighbors (yards) and their dogs.

I was so fed up with it at one point, I decided, Whatever! He can run amuck all he wants. But then, I observed him for about 15 good minutes pooping in the yards of about 5 different retired neighbors, then riling up their fenced in dogs. I knew I had to do something.

In 101 degree weather, I took my stool, tools, and sweat towel outside, near the area where he had created ANOTHER hole just big enough to push his butt through. TWO HOURS I toiled. . and sweated. . until I completely re-threaded the stupid fence. ou Do you know how HARD that is? Now, I'd done this exercise about 5 times this week (for about 30 minutes per try), so I had to spend another 30 minutes hidden in the bushes in the front yard, sweating profuselyobserving the dumb dog to see if he could get out.

Nope! VICTORY IS MINE!

I successfully fixed the fence, so when we sentence the dog to the backyard to do his poop and pee. . which by the way he does at the fence line and covers it so you can never see or smell it when you're on his turf. . he remains in the back yard.

That is until the boys, my two beautiful sons, go out to play and leave the door open; which allows him to escape AGAIN.. EVERY FRIGGIN DAY.

Now, that's a battle for another day.

This is another episode of God's Humor brought to you my me. . who tends to catch the punch lines.

God Pre-Paid for my Stove

In January of 2009, I dis-continued employment with Alltel and began working at my ideal employer, Heifer. Before I left, I cashed out my IRA that I held at Alltel to cover expenses that were caused by a really bad break-up with my ex.

But since I left Alltel, every quarter, I would get a letter from the company that manages Alltel's retirement benefits about changes to the plan. After while this got annoying because I knew I had no money there, so I just started trashing the notices as they came in. Well, Tuesday I was going through my "chunk it in the trash" stack and decided to read the notice. It said that if I did not close the account, the company that manages Allte's retirement account would charge me about $9/mo.

Now, I'm like, "HUH!" So, I make a couple of phone calls and go online to try to shut down my empty account so that I did not have to pay the maintenance fee. And, there it was. Another thousand.

I thanked God for the un-expected blessing one-two-three-maybe four times as I cashed it out. No, I THANKED God. I put the computer down, fell to my knees, cried and gave God the true thanks he deserves. When I was done with cashing out online, my mind started calculating all the extra stuff I could get: new living room furniture, Victoria Secret panty sets (my FAVORITE), boots for fall, stuff, stuff, stuff. I really did not even think about the stove because I've been browsing online and saw some really cool stoves for about $600.

Of course, I went to 4 stores to try to get one of those really cool stoves for the $600 I saved, and learned how truly timely God's blessing was.


Yeah, there are a lot of cool stoves for $600, but they can't fit in my kitchen. The stove has to be a 27 inch wide, drop-in electric stove (by GE). And of course, the stove is a custom order that has to be shipped from the factory. The stove is $1,150. The shipping and taxes are about $150. The INSTALLATION is $350.

When I added it all up, the total cost is $1,650, which is exactly the amount of money I now have between my stove savings $600 and the amount that I got from my Alltel IRA distribution.

I go around saying "God is awesome." "God always comes through for me." "I count on God." But because I don't wear long dresses, go to church every single Sunday, or keep a Bible on my dashboard, I think people occasionally discount my expressions. But I'm telling you that God loves me as I am. He is not in some distant place looking down with disapproval on all of my mistakes, bad choices, and struggles. He's right here listening to, comforting, and supporting me. And I know he was there a week ago in my kitchen as I tried to clean the stove and broke it. I started crying, and said really softly, "God, help me." He had to have been really close to hear because he started his plan of helping me probably even before that moment, and made it so that I had what I needed on the day when I needed it. . just like he always does.

THANK YOU GOD for loving lil' ole sinful me!

I can do ALL things. . almost

My Mom used Philippians 4:13, I can do ALL things through Chris who strengthens me, as a daily mantra to keep herself going.

Well, I'm growing, and learning, and drawing closer to Christ. I've even adopted my Momma's daily mantra (or at least most of it), "I can do ALL things. ."

But God has a sense of humor, especially when you've decided to only adopt pieces of his Word. That much I know. So, he's put me into what I now consider a hilariously funny loop.

Here's how it goes:

1. I have car trouble.
2. I pull over to inspect car, and resolve car trouble.
3. Good Samaritan comes by and resolves trouble.
4. I drive off with working car, but feeling that if only I had a "few more minutes" I could do all things MYSELF.

This scenario repeats iself about 4 times a year, at least, since I first bought a car 13 years ago. . It ALWAYS happens.

Soooooooooooooooooo, this morning, I was headed into work when one of my dashboard lights came on. [I get nervous when I see those things.] They're yellow and red. . and to me, they are on the same level as "Danger, Will Robinson!" from Lost in Space. Well, anyway, while driving on the access road, I reach into the dash and pull out my trusty Nissan manual and look up what the issue was. AIR PRESSURE.. Well, that's an easy one.

I actually drove for a bit to find the most out-of-the-way gas station, so I could "pull over, inspect, and resolve" in peace. I walked around the car about 3 times to inspect when I realized that I had NO CLUE which tire was low. . OK, how the hell do people do this stuff?. But I can still hear the mantra in my head. "I can do ALL things. . I can do ALL things. . "

A really nice guy wearing a wedding ring comes by in a Jeep and pulls next to me. He says, as they all say, "Ma'am, please let me do that for you."

"No thanks," I reply. "I've got it."

I walk around one more time, and determine that I'd just decide by eenie-meenie-minie-moe which tires needed air, and topped off two tires. Well, guy in the Jeep is still trying to help, "Ma'am, if you'd just let me take care of it, I will. I promise, I'm not trying to flirt with you. I just want to help."

I inspect my work. Feeling really good that for once I was able to take care of my own car. I nod to him, smile, hop in the Altima, and drive off. But Dude continues to follow me and beep until he gets my attention.

I'm a little freaked out, so I looped around the access road, so I could return to the same gas station where at least the attendant last saw me alive. I locked my doors and rolled down my window. "Can I help you?," I asked. Obviously annoyed.

He looked at my back passenger tire, and said, "When you added air, did it fix the problem?" I looked down at the dash, and admitted, "No. So?"

"Well, if you'd stay in the car and give me 15 seconds, I'll take care of it," he said. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Fine! I graciously nodded and rolled my window up.

After about 10 seconds, he tapped on the window and said, "This tire was probably about flat. I'm glad you let me help." I looked at the dash, and the light was off.

I unlocked the doors, introduced myself to this really kind man, and against his will, shook his oily hand.

It takes God to step into my life first thing in the morning and remind me that I can do all things, but only "though Christ who strengthens me."

OK, God. I got it. You (and Momma) are right.

When will my knight in shining armor come long?

My facade gives people the impression that I've got everything under control. Others are so comforted by the idea that they tend to turn to me for advice, thinking that if they accept my advice, they will have a perfect life just like I do.

Well, it is pretty freakin' awesome, right?

I have a dream job. I work for a non-profit dedicating to ending hunger and poverty and caring for the earth. How cool is that?

I have 3 beautiful children; all out of the bottle-sucking, diaper soiling stage. I feel pretty good about that.

I own my own home, and a new car, and a cute dog. . and blah. . blah blah. blah blah. . Life is so freaking awesome. Right?

WRONG!!!!!!

I work, and I nurture, and I pray. . all alone. . I cook, and clean, and repair. . all alone. . I am alone after being in a 14 year relationship that I honestly thought would last forever. But no. I'm alone.

I will NOT complain. I know God's sense of humor. He'll send the smite to me, and I will wake up with one enlarged eye and one crooked leg. I get it. But if there are any more blessings waiting for me up there. . any additional grace God is planning to pour down on me. . any other special favor he wants to grant. .

If there's anything else, God, please let it be wrapped in someone 5'10 or taller, 180 lbs or smaller, employed, funny, smart, comfortable around kids, and most of all God fearing.

Amen.