Merry Christmas to my Angel

I have so much to be grateful for this Christmas. Wow! God has really opened the doors of heaven and showered SO many blessings on me, I just cannot tell it all. I know that. I know I'm blessed. I know that God has been good to me and my family. I'm grateful... so, so grateful.

But I still miss my Angel.

I have the best Christmas memories. I can remember waking up on Christmas morning, and going to my Momma's room to get my presents. I can remember how bright everything was. The lights were the kind that had movement. They were as bright as neon.

Now, my tree lights are LED to conserve energy and I keep them static because the flashing is distracting to me. It's not the same.

Momma would cook a huge Christmas dinner. . Nothing fancy. . Just stuff I loved. . Everything I loved.

I'm not cooking. I baked a couple of cakes, but we wont' eat here. There are too many loved ones we have to see and spend time with to eat at home. It's not the same.

On Christmas Day, I could be at home and plan to see all my brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. Everyone dropped by that old house on the corner of 10th street to laugh, eat, talk, and just share the day.

I now live in a suburb; just me and the kids. Everyone is so spread out now that we don't even try to visit each other for Christmas. It feels like we're all in a weird game of tag, and noone wants to leave the base where they are safe. The new Christmas tradition is isolation.

God is good. God is good. His blessings overflow in my life. I won't complain. I'm blessed. But I miss my Momma, who was and is still my angel. I miss my Angel and those angelic days when life was simple and filled with family.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas brings back dear memories of Momma

I've erected a Christmas tree, added some lights, and even some colorful ornaments, but I cannot seem to get it like Momma's tree use to be.

We could never afford a large tree, but neither of us was much taller than 5 feet, so that was never a real problem.

She would add ornaments that she had collected over the years - ones we'd made, ones she bought, ones that were given - there were generations of people represented in that little tree.

That poor Goodwill tree that she bought for $4 after haggling the cashier down from $10. I can hear Momma now. "Isn't this a Goodwill. I don't have $10. That's my whole Christmas." I knew she had more, but the poor cashier fell for it and let a pretty decent tree go for really cheap. So, from the age of about 7 until I can remember, we loaded that little $4 tree down with glass, ceramic, paper, and every other ornament you could imagine. Then added on a layer of heavy lights.

It was beautiful!

So, what's my tree lacking? It's actually a very expensive tree with some pricey ornaments on it. Yeah, one of the string of lights is flashing - which I hate - but it's a pretty nice tree. Why is it not giving me the same satisfaction as the Goodwill tree.

Well, I can try adding more lights. I could go ahead and put a few wrapped gifts under the tree. I could even move it to an opposite end of the living room. But I know that it won't work.

What's missing is what use to be the reason I rushed to the living room on Christmas morning ,even though I often did not have any presents to open. Even my tree is missing Momma.

Boy, what I would give for her to be here. What I would give for one more chance to give Momma a gift. I would make it really fancy, too. Something that would be the proper thanks for all the sacrifices she made for me and my 5 siblings as she worked her ass off as a single mother.

I'd spend my last to send her on a cruise. I'd take out a loan to buy her something shiny. {She liked shiny things.} I'd stay up all night laughing at one of her funny stories. I'd cook her favorite food. With every sentence, I'd tell her all the reasons she was the best Mom in the world.

I'm spending a lot of time in the glow of Christmas lights missing Momma.

I'm not going to ruin Christmas for everyone by moping around. Momma would hate that.

Since I can't be with her this Christmas, I'm going to enjoy her grandbabies instead. I'm going to put our difference aside and invite my sister to share the holiday with my family. I'm going to tell each and every person that comes into my home how much I love them.

Momma passed away in November of 2007 of lung cancer. I know she's in a better place. She was a woman of God and is getting her just reward. She will never again will experience pain, loneliness, sadness or fear. But man oh man, I cannot get through a day, especially not during the holiday, without wishing she were here.

If I could have one thing for Christmas. . well, you get it.