Merry Christmas to my Angel

I have so much to be grateful for this Christmas. Wow! God has really opened the doors of heaven and showered SO many blessings on me, I just cannot tell it all. I know that. I know I'm blessed. I know that God has been good to me and my family. I'm grateful... so, so grateful.

But I still miss my Angel.

I have the best Christmas memories. I can remember waking up on Christmas morning, and going to my Momma's room to get my presents. I can remember how bright everything was. The lights were the kind that had movement. They were as bright as neon.

Now, my tree lights are LED to conserve energy and I keep them static because the flashing is distracting to me. It's not the same.

Momma would cook a huge Christmas dinner. . Nothing fancy. . Just stuff I loved. . Everything I loved.

I'm not cooking. I baked a couple of cakes, but we wont' eat here. There are too many loved ones we have to see and spend time with to eat at home. It's not the same.

On Christmas Day, I could be at home and plan to see all my brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. Everyone dropped by that old house on the corner of 10th street to laugh, eat, talk, and just share the day.

I now live in a suburb; just me and the kids. Everyone is so spread out now that we don't even try to visit each other for Christmas. It feels like we're all in a weird game of tag, and noone wants to leave the base where they are safe. The new Christmas tradition is isolation.

God is good. God is good. His blessings overflow in my life. I won't complain. I'm blessed. But I miss my Momma, who was and is still my angel. I miss my Angel and those angelic days when life was simple and filled with family.

Merry Christmas!

Giving and getting something "different" this Christmas

Christmas use to be the bomb! Spending money. Getting all the crap I just window shopped for throughout the year. Every year, I pretty much hit the mother load. It was awesome.

I collected a bunch of loot and tried to figure out how I could prolong the new feeling of each and every present by pulling off some sort of mix and match when I wore or displayed them.

It was bananas the number of compliments I got on a pair of diamond earrings, a dazzling diamond ring, a tennis bracelet, or an expensive purse. Bananas, I tell you! I loved it. I ABSOLUTELY loved it!

Until the truth was revealed. That STUFF did not make me special. It did not make me immune from heart ache. It did not make me feel any more secure as a result. It did not even make me happy. It definitely did not make my children happy. It did deflect questions about, "Now, why are you with this guy for over a decade when you have no intention on marrying him." Having a bunch of stuff gave me a tangible way to overshadow a really dark side of myself. I had become really shallow.

So, why give it all up now? Why start from scratch now? What's different?

I've grown up. Damn, I'm 34. I have 3 children who need me to think outside of the glitter and gold and to care about the larger picture. And truly the most real reason is that I've lost enough people to know that I need to be always reflecting on the importance of what's real and staying true to who I was raised to be.

We grew up poor. On Christmas day, you may not have received a gift. You were fed. You were happy. You were surrounded by family that loved you and showed you love on that day that was more powerful than a black Barbie doll or a Walkman. It was special.

We spent Christmas laughing and bonding and loving and listening and growing. It was a really blessed experience.

That's what I want to give my children. . I want to give them CHRISTmas. This is going to be the very first Christmas that they will not have a stack of gifts that soar higher than the tree. They will not get to open their gifts and retreat to their rooms to play.

I'm going to give them the gift my momma gave me that keeps giving all year round. I'm going to give them love, happiness, and some special memories of family.

I have never looked forward to a Christmas the way I look forward to this one.

I don't need gifts. The one Christmas gift I would love I can't get, so I'm content with what I have instead.