My Grown Up Slumber Party

Deleted.

Behaving as half of a whole is HARD work for a runner

Today has been a tough day. Nothing has gone the way I've wanted it to, but for some reason my other half thinks it has.

Let's see.. The mortgage consultant called me today and told me that we have to come up with another $3k to close on the house. My boss told me that the position I'm interviewing people for, and have determined who I want to fill it, he is also doing his own personal interviewing and screening for. My other half has blown all out of proportion a response that I had at seeing an old pic saved on my laptop of a dear friend. {Yes, he's over there MAD right now. Ignoring me and focusing on his new iPad. . when he knows I'm an attention hog.}

I became so frustrated when I got off of work, I grabbed my tennis shoes and was about to do my thing.. escape.. run.. separate myself from the world that's drowning me.

In the past, my single days (and honestly the entire (brief) marriage, too) on days like this, I would pack a bag, pick a location, finish my work day and go. . leave. . disappear. But I don't have the luxury anymore.

I'm connected to someone else who expects me to behave as half as a whole. I promised him that I will not run until he can run with me. . but today I want to run from him, so putting my word into practice is SO HARD for me right now. And today is a really hard day. I'm just DROWNING.

For six years I've trained myself in the art of escaping. I've perfected it. So today, I feel so trapped, overwhelmed, imprisoned, confined, and anxious. I just want it to be over. What IT is, I don't really know. But I can't deal with it.

The great thing is that I knew where I was before I hit this patch in the road. My better half and I talked about marriage, and I agreed with him. We aren't ready. I didn't say exactly why. But deep down I know that I can't seal the bond with another human being until I can figure out how to stop running. And today I really don't know how.

But right now. . I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW. I feel so immature to not be able to figure out something that I think should be . . well. . natural. This thing of sticking it out. . making it work. . latching on to someone else until the storm passes. . it's just the hardest thing ever for me. . today.

I'm praying that if I can just make it through the night, I'll wake up a little stronger. able to sustain the storm.. and maybe rest my heels for just one more day.

Keep saying good morning, CHICKEN LITTLE

I HAVE to develop patience for the Chicken Littles of the world. Because they've never experienced the really big shit, they over react about EVERY little thing that happens over the course of a day.

You forget to greet them in the morning. They upset. If someone doesn't hold the door so they can enter a building. They offended. If you don't do everything exactly as they think you should, well they are downright annoyed.

You know 'em. You see them all the time.

-- They've never been really poor. And I'm referring to the poor of my childhood. Couldn't afford (or experience) lunch outside of the free variety I got at school. No medical insurance, dental, life insurance. Lights off at random. Long bouts without hot water because Momma couldn't afford the parts, pipes, or hell the water heater. Keep in mind that when you catch yourself referring to the poor, many times Chicken Littles think that they have been poor because they probably have never met someone who was really poor, so they can't even picture what you're talking about.
HOW TO IDENTIFY THESE CHICKEN LITTLES: They often times say things that are completely insensitive of the fact that there are many people who don't have and may never have the opportunity to get a higher education, own a home, pay off a car, go on a real vacation.

-- They don't have kids, so they don't really have a clue about what it takes to be connected on that level to another human being because you gave that person life. For some reason, Chicken Littles always have parenting advice. "Just ignore it." "Let them go through this stage." "Put them in timeout."
HOW TO IDENTIFY THESE CHICKEN LITTLES: They complain about parents who have to stay home with their kids, bring their kids to work, discipline their kids in public. Or cancel on something because of their kids. Or even better, they constantly refer to their pet as their child.

-- They have never been married, but are convinced that they are READY. . probably because of some family they've seen on TV that they have envisioned could be them once they tie the knot. They know EXACTLY the type of person they're waiting for because they've spent countless hours day dreaming about that "perfect" person that will wear armor, ride in on a white horse, and sweep them off their feet.
HOW TO IDENTIFY THESE CHICKEN LITTLES: Just listen. You can't miss it. They are the ones spouting off about what they wouldn't tolerate out of a spouse. And always starting sentences with "When I get married. . "

- - They've never really experienced loss. They probably have both parents still living, and are pretty well insulated from the end results of living in a family that couldn't afford health insurance because all their folks are healthy. The weird thing is that they are probably NOT healthy. The end results of being so protected is a little invincibility, so they probably over-indulge in food, or drugs, alcohol, sex, or some other irresponsible behavior.
HOW TO IDENTIFY THESE CHICKEN LITTLES: Depending on their tool for over-indulgence, it may be a few things.. Be creative.

Now, I don't think Chicken Littles are bad. Ignorance is not bad; it's bliss. . But just keep on saying "Good Morning," like Momma use to say.

One day even the most green Chicken Littles lose a job or income, have a child, get married, lose a couple of folks that are the cornerstones of their existence. . and then their eyes a