Why Make Momma Proud?

I'm in a weird place. Questioning a lot of things that I've done. . a lot of things I've learned. . I can't seem to find comfort.

It occurred to me, out of the blue, that just lately, I've completely changed the way I parent to shift the focus from what I desire of my children to what they desire of themselves. At first, I began to morph into this parenting style as I tried to motivate my teenager to excel by reminding her that some of her choices in life were making me really unhappy. Wasn't working.. at all.

I mean, honestly, teenagers don't give a damn about what makes their parents happy. They are, and should be, totally self-involved and self-centered. If it does not totally serve their purpose, scheme, or grand idea of life and their participation in it, they ain't going for it.

So, I've stopped the disapproving glares, remarks, and outward frustration when my daughter heads down the wrong path. Instead, I delve into where the behavior she's exhibiting will get her.

"So, you skipped school. And now your grades are suffering. Hmmmmm, you know you can't get enough financial aid to attend college with bad grades, right? Since I've already told you I'm not footing the entire bill. What are you going to do?"

If she continues to skip school, at 17, I think she'll become hook to the cause and effect relationship when she finds herself sitting around the house with me when the other kids have gone off to college.

But my Teenager Issues did not inspire my change in parenting style. It only gave me a vehicle for displaying the change I'd already been going through for some time.

Before I figured out how to apply this thinking with Erica, I realized that for a long time the only reason I was making decisions in my life was becuase I knew it would make my parents happy. I'm at a place where I find it hard to motivate myself anymore to do or even strive to do those things anymore: get married, stay in touch with other family members, attend church. These are the majors.

Lizzie and Joe are GONE! GONE! GONE! They are in heaven with Christ. I just cannot convince myself that they still care about these things.

So, I am living a life that I know would not be pleasing to them, but it suits me just fine because I have noone to answer to but God. And if I'm not sinning, I think he's OK with what I'm doing, too. . I guess.

He said he still loves me

Now, what am I sposed to do with that?

I've yearned to hear him say those words for SO long! Every day, I smile at the photos of him I have saved on my computer. I can't remember a day that's passed that I haven't called him, sent him a text, or at least started a text to him that I caught myself before sending.

I'm still SO in love with this man. I can't even put it into words.

But he let go.

People don't understand me. They don't understand the things I cherish to the core: family, wisdom, honesty, LOYALTY. It is a quality that can never be over-stated. I am loyal to a fault, and I NEED that.

I did him wrong. . or did I? Well, I broke up with him. But those are just words. Angry words tossed around to get a reaction.

I NEVER let go. Even in my anger, I still made it clear that I was still in it. I NEEDED him.

It's not that I don't spend every night laying in bed thinking of how much I enjoy the way he touches me, kisses me, talks to me.. Uuuugh, I LOVE this man!But life is weird. It's so weird. I'm SO deep in love with THIS man while there's another man that is SO deep in love with me. And he is loyal.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, but I LOVE this man!

God, it's your call. I need you to overrule my heart and help me to submit to what it truly your will. Right now all I know is what the heart desires.

And that, with all my being, I LOVE this man!

God's Love for Me, My Love for God

Here's how I see it. I have this personal relationship with God that started way before I was born; or my mother was born; or my great-great-great grandmother was born. It started when I was only a figment of God's boundless imagination.

He loved me first. He loved me so much that when he looked down generation after generation, and saw that one day I would walk this Earth alone, and be disheartend by the fact that I was not quite sure if there was a place for me, he decided that he would do something over-the-top, completely amazing, and not even deserved. He let his ONLY begotten son die on the cross for me, so that one day, when my days on this earth were over, I would not perish. Instead, I'd be able to return to glory. . in HIS house. . and enjoy eternity with the people I love: My Momma Lizzie, My Dad Joe, My Uncle Austin, My crazy cousin Murray, and all those people that he placed in my life from day one that I somehow fell in love with - who somehow make it over there before me.

So, why would I worry about what I owe to the US on taxes? Why would I lose sleep over the cost of replacing the roof in this old house? Why would I sob about how hard it is to be a single parent of 3 kids? Why?

He's already given me the ultimate gift? I do not doubt for a second that all of these other desires of my heart will be taken care of.

And even if he does not take care of all this little stuff, I still benefit from the overflow of love God shows me because one day I won't have to worry about all the worries of life. I will not have to cry or feel alone. One day I will wake up on the other side in glory, and spend eternity showing God the love he has shown me.

But until then, I have an amazing opportunity. I can share all of this love, and joy, and contentment God has given me with those around me. I'll start with you.


GOD loves you. . and SO DO I.

Merry Christmas to my Angel

I have so much to be grateful for this Christmas. Wow! God has really opened the doors of heaven and showered SO many blessings on me, I just cannot tell it all. I know that. I know I'm blessed. I know that God has been good to me and my family. I'm grateful... so, so grateful.

But I still miss my Angel.

I have the best Christmas memories. I can remember waking up on Christmas morning, and going to my Momma's room to get my presents. I can remember how bright everything was. The lights were the kind that had movement. They were as bright as neon.

Now, my tree lights are LED to conserve energy and I keep them static because the flashing is distracting to me. It's not the same.

Momma would cook a huge Christmas dinner. . Nothing fancy. . Just stuff I loved. . Everything I loved.

I'm not cooking. I baked a couple of cakes, but we wont' eat here. There are too many loved ones we have to see and spend time with to eat at home. It's not the same.

On Christmas Day, I could be at home and plan to see all my brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. Everyone dropped by that old house on the corner of 10th street to laugh, eat, talk, and just share the day.

I now live in a suburb; just me and the kids. Everyone is so spread out now that we don't even try to visit each other for Christmas. It feels like we're all in a weird game of tag, and noone wants to leave the base where they are safe. The new Christmas tradition is isolation.

God is good. God is good. His blessings overflow in my life. I won't complain. I'm blessed. But I miss my Momma, who was and is still my angel. I miss my Angel and those angelic days when life was simple and filled with family.

Merry Christmas!

My Review of Pittsburgh Steelers Mens Custom Crew Neck Fleece Sweatshirt

Originally submitted at NFL

Sit back, relax and enjoy the big game wearing this comfortable men's custom crew-neck fleece sweatshirt. Create your very own personalized design; add embroidered twill appliqués of your favorite NFL® team, player name and number to the chest, back and shoulders of this pullover.

Pittsburgh Steelers Mens Custom Crew Neck Fleece Sweatshirt

I'll NEVER buy from nflshop.com again

By AJ loves to shop online from Sherwood, AR on 12/11/2010

 

1out of 5

Sizing: Feels too small

Cons: Not Authentic Looking, Low Quality Material

Best Uses: Watching The Game on TV

Describe Yourself: Stylish

nflshop.com is the WORST website I've EVER purchased products from. Once I ordered the custom print top, they just LOST any record of me making the order. Yet, they still sent me a link to review it. Weird.

Anyway, I'm not pleased with the purchase. The team logo is too small. And the lettering is black, which does not fit the colors of the top at all. I won't return it because nflshop.com sucks in that it cannot find any record of my order anyway. Do yourself a favor. Buy elsewhere!

(legalese)

Good Mommy Gone Mad

This morning was a "different" one.

The boys walk a half-block to the bus stop; yet I sit there in my car until I see the bus on the horizon before I go to work. This morning, my 7 year old hopped in the car as I pulled out of the garage and wanted a ride to the bus stop. That was "different."

When I saw the bus on the horizon (about 2 blocks away), I left for work. Traffic was awful, so it took me about 42 minutes to actually get to work this morning.

As soon as I got to the parking lot I realized that I had 6 missed calls from home. I kind of knew what it was as soon as I saw the calls, but still felt anxiety as I quickly called back the number.

My 7 year old answered. He had missed the bus because right after I drove off, he realized he had to pee. Well CRAP! I was SO mad! I gave him a good, stern lecture about how irresponsible it was for him to miss the bus. I mean the bus ride is about 5 minutes long! Hold your pee, dude!

I sped towards home. . seriously. . I was going about 90 miles an hour from the moment I hung up my phone. And as I drove, I got calls from the school principal, secretary, my 9 year old son. . all worried half to death about this kid who could not hold his pee. By the time I got home, I was more worried than mad. Maybe I under-estimated this threat. Is my baby OK? I don't know what goes on in this neighborhood of retired folks during the day while I'm at work. Oh My Gosh!!!!


As my car pulled into the driveway, J walked out. He was fine. He had locked the door, and had this little smirk on his face.

I grabbed him and shook him a little out of frustration. But I had to hug this kid. My worry melted away. I wasn't mad anymore. I had another reason for my praise. God is good.

Weeping may endure for a night..

. . but joy cometh in the morning." And it is morning, so I know I'm going to be OK.

Me and Baby Beast parted ways last night. I asked him to answer the only question that's important to me in a relationship right now.

In a year, will it be you and me? He said he didn't know, and that's just not good enough.

I'm 35 years old. I have a beautiful family, a great job, and I look DAMN good. Time's up for the audition. I stuck with him for two years, and gave my very best to the man that I love. For him to say that he does not know if he could see himself with me, that was just too much.

I've weeped, but I have not cried. I'm a little numb. When I give myself a couple of seconds to reflect, I feel the tears creeping into my eyes. So, today is going to be one of my busy days because I don't have time for tears. When I have time, I'll take a few moments to get it out my system and then move on.

Well, I tried.